10 Mistakes That Can Hurt Your Child Custody Case
10 Mistakes That Can Hurt Your Child Custody Case
The emotional stress of a separation can be challenging to handle, especially when child custody is involved. The legal aspects often intertwine with the personal issues that led to the end of the relationship, and arguments over child custody only complicate the situation further.
Even though custody of a child can involve strong emotions and convictions, it’s important to keep in mind that your actions can have an impact on your child’s well-being and your ongoing relationship with them. If your case ends up in court, letting negative feelings lead to destructive behavior or poor judgment is a quick way of painting yourself in a negative light before the judge and at a disadvantage in court.
With that in mind, we’ve compiled a list of 10 things you shouldn’t do if you want a positive outcome for your child custody case. If you have questions or concerns about your child custody case in North Carolina, Myers Law Firm can help you understand your legal rights and obligations.
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SCHEDULE YOUR CONSULTATIONHow Do Judges Arrive at Custody Decisions?
It’s good to begin with an understanding of how custody orders take shape. There are two aspects to child custody: legal custody and physical custody. You can share them with the other parent, called joint custody, or split them, with one parent having primary custody.
Legal custody is the ability to make major decisions that affect the child’s life. This includes choices about major medical treatments or education. Physical custody relates to where the child will live—either split between both parents or with one having primary custody while the other has secondary custody or visitation rights. The breakdown of legal custody and the schedule of physical custody may be called the parenting plan or custody plan.
The “best interest of the child” is what a judge will have to determine when making a ruling on a custody plan. This is a very broad topic, and the judge has a lot of discretion in making a final determination. There are some general factors the judge will consider:
- Relationships: A child should be able to maintain relationships with people in their life like their non-custodial parent, extended family, and positive influences in their school or community.
- Development: A child needs support to grow and mature, and those in charge of their care will likely need to nourish them mentally and physically.
- Safety: An essential part of the decision is keeping children away from harm. Drugs, abuse, domestic violence, or a criminal record could keep one parent from earning custody.
With these priorities in mind, here are ten mistakes that can hurt your child custody case.
1. Refusing to Cooperate or Compromise With the Other Parent
Even though you may have strong negative feelings about your former spouse or partner, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is putting those feelings above the best interests of your children. Refusing to communicate reasonably could make the judge think that your desire to hurt the other parent is greater than your desire to be a positive role model for your child.
Instead, try to keep an open and constructive dialogue with the other side. If emotional factors make it hard to do this, consider seeking out a therapist or counselor who can assist you with navigating these interactions. You can also hire an experienced family law attorney who can handle communication for you and provide valuable advice about when to compromise and when to take a stand.
2. Not Understanding Your State Laws
Child custody laws can be very complex. Each state has its own laws regarding divorce proceedings, child custody, and child support. It’s important to know how the local laws affect your situation.
For example, in North Carolina, you and your spouse must live separately (with at least one spouse intending that separation to be permanent) for one year before you can file for divorce. However, you do not need to wait until your divorce is final before filing a custody action with the court. If you and your spouse cannot agree on a custody arrangement, you can (and likely should) file for custody as soon as possible.
This is one of the reasons it can be harmful to get divorce advice from your friends and family. One of the best things you can do for your child custody arrangement is to get the advice of a local family lawyer. The sooner you talk to someone with in-depth knowledge of your state laws, the more missteps you can avoid in your divorce and custody proceedings.
RELATED: North Carolina Family Law Lawyer
3. Withholding Visitation From the Other Parent Without an Urgent Reason
In general, the court will not look kindly on any attempt to cut off the other parent from seeing their child without the support of a court order. Of course, there are times when you can’t wait for a court order. If the other parent or the environment poses a danger to your child, like if you suspect physical abuse or unsanitary living conditions, then you may have grounds to refuse visitation.
However, such instances are limited to real and immediate threats. Stopping visitation as a penalty for other matters, like missing child support payments, can end up making situations more complicated and put you in contempt of court. Even a verbal threat of withholding visitation from your ex can hurt your child custody case. You should always consult an attorney about how to handle a situation where there is a court order in place and an emergency has come up that needs to be dealt with.
4. Not Spending Time With Your Child
If you are waiting for the finalization of your child custody agreement, or you have been granted temporary custody, make the most of it. Spend quality time with your child and show them how much you care. You should do this for the benefit of your child, and not just your court case.
Parents who leave the TV to babysit or immediately drop the kids off with another caretaker are not showing active involvement in their children’s lives. Neglecting your child’s wellbeing will not get you into the judge’s good graces.
5. Fighting With or Talking Badly About the Other Parent in Front of Your Children
The welfare of your children should be your main concern, which means you can’t afford to drag them into any negativity between you and their other parent. Some people are terrible spouses, but they can still be good parents.
Even if your ex-spouse or ex-partner seems impossible to get along with, it’s important to take the high road whenever you can and conduct yourself in a compassionate and collected manner.
If the other parent refuses to do the same, this could boost your chances with the judge. When one parent tries to manipulate the child against the other parent, this is called “parental alienation,” and judges take it very seriously. Even subtle comments can lead a child to feel unloved or unwanted, which can be very traumatic for children.
6. Exercising Poor Judgment on Social Media
Social media accounts can seem like a private space to vent frustrations and receive support from friends. The reality is that these accounts are public, and anything you post online could come up in court. Some posts can lead the judge to form a negative opinion about your conduct or your influence on your child, and can be very damaging to your child custody ruling. These may include:
- Pictures of you intoxicated or using illegal drugs
- Lies or abusive comments
- Disparaging statements about the other parent
- Disclosing personal or private information about your child or ex
- Posts that show you violating any court orders
A good guideline for social media posts is that you shouldn’t put anything online that you wouldn’t want on display in open court. However, do not delete something that can count against you if you have already posted it. The post in question may be evidence, and you could face legal consequences for trying to get rid of it. Instead, discuss the post with your attorney, who may be able to prevent it from being admitted as evidence or reduce its impact by reasoning with the judge.
7. Disobeying a Court Order
If you violate the temporary orders or disobey any directions from the court, the judge will take this as a sign of disrespect for their authority, and you could be held in contempt of court. As you can imagine, that won’t help you when it comes time for the judge to decide your case.
When first determining the custody of your child, the judge may order a temporary schedule for custody, or you may sign a consent order for temporary custody. Your options to change it can be limited, and the court will require you to follow the arrangement. Even though it is an agreement, once the judge signs it, it becomes a court order that you must follow.
RELATED: Denied Child Custody or Visitation? Here’s What to Do
8. Not Taking Notes or Documenting Problems
If the other parent engages in any of the behaviors mentioned in this article, you should bring this to the judge’s attention. The best way to do this is through detailed documentation.
In court, terms like “a while ago” and “this one time” don’t carry much weight. If you want to bring an incident to the court’s attention, you should be prepared to state an exact date and time along with as much detail and documentation as possible.
To make this easy, get in the habit of keeping a journal for your custody case. This can be a notebook where you write down events and dates or an app on your phone where you can store notes. Here are some tips:
- Be Consistent: Take notes during every interaction with the other parent, making sure to write down details if they do something you believe is inappropriate or detrimental to your child’s welfare.
- Be Cooperative: You can also use your journal to document positive events, such as constructive activities you did with your child during visitation time or how you cooperated with the other parent.
- Be Comprehensive: Wherever possible, take photos to corroborate your journal and make a note of anyone who was there to witness the events to bring along to family court.
9. Moving in With an Unreliable Partner
To be clear: North Carolina courts will not deny custody or visitation solely because you’ve moved in with someone new, regardless of how your previous partner feels about the situation. In fact, evidence of a stable relationship with a new partner could even work in your favor.
However, there are some circumstances where your choice of new partner can damage your custody claim, so it is important to exercise good judgment.
For example, if your new partner has a criminal record, a drug problem, or a history of violence, then that may no longer be a safe living arrangement for your child.
Judges prioritize stability and consistent routines for children. Jumping into a new relationship before your divorce agreement is finalized, moving to a new school district, and spending less time with your child in favor of your new partner can all adversely affect your child’s routine.
Again, North Carolina courts understand that people move on and do not expect separated partners to remain single. But it’s still wise to talk with an experienced family law lawyer to make sure you’re not doing anything that could hurt your case.
RELATED: Can I Take My Ex to Court for Custody Issues in North Carolina if They Live in a Different State?
10. Not Hiring an Attorney to Represent You
A child custody and visitation case can feel like a maze of legal paperwork, court dates, and visitation schedules. Missing even a single detail in any of these areas can have a negative impact. Your relationship with your child is too important to risk letting that happen in a child custody case.
To avoid that risk, you should look for an experienced family law attorney who can argue on your behalf in court and keep track of all the various filings, dates, and requirements. An attorney can also use their experience to present your case before the judge in a clear and compelling fashion and communicate with the other side so that personal emotions don’t get in the way of what’s best for your child.
Myers Law Can Help You Understand Your Case
Myers Law Firm has more than 60 years of combined experience with North Carolina family matters, including child custody and family law. Our team can look at the details of your unique situation and offer assistance to address your circumstances and meet your needs.
Call us at (888) 376-2889 or complete this brief form to schedule a free consultation.
References
Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2020). Determining the best interests of the child. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Children’s Bureau. https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubpdfs/best_interest.pdf
N.C. Gen. Stat. § 50-13.1
The content provided here is for informational purposes only and should not be construed as legal advice on any subject.
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